SCARY

Ok - so a while back I posted a quote from Marianne Williamson about being the person God created you to be and how freakin' scary that is. I have since tried to embrace this and impart it into my life. Being the best you can be requires such effort! I cook, I drive, I wash clothes, I write, I read, I sew. It seems all so simple, but really it isn't.

I have recently made some new friends and continued to connect with old friends who have encouraged me to do this very thing. God has totally put them in my life for a reason. As scary as it is and as freaked out as I am about some stuff, I know that He has a plan for my life.

We have been watching the Olympics - as have just about everyone else in the country, but watching these athletes fulfill their destinies, I am struck by the confidence and the absolute convictions they hold. How do they know these things? Aren't they plagued by the same insecurities and issues that we all have? The voices that whisper to you that you aren't good enough or that you don't have what it takes. The Screwtape and Wormtail issues that CS Lewis told us about.

I am here to tell you, walking out on that limb that God holds out with one hand is just about the scariest thing in the world. I am filled with all sorts of self-doubt and self-esteem issues but I know that if I follow God's plan and not MY plan, things are bound to work the way they should. -K

The Times That Try Men's Souls

Where to start? I could start by complaining, but I won't. In times like these, I try very hard to remember the good things in life and how, for the most part, my life is wonderful. Most of my kids are healthy, my house is fairly clean, I have many, many things to keep me busy, I have a strong marriage. My life hasn't been turned upside down by an earthquake (as an aside - donate to the Red Cross to help Haiti - click the link to the left). Overall, life is good and I shouldn't complain. So think of this as musing, not complaining.

We had a great swim meet this weekend. This was one of the 3 biggest regular meets that our team hosts, being a prelim/final. We fed over 60 people three meals a day for 2 1/2 days. Everything went off without a hitch, including our "hospitality magic" that was wielded on Sunday night as we had to make dinner for 50 out of nothing. Exhausting as it was, we shared many, many laughs, a few tense and dramatic moments with the kids and some great swimming. The flip side to such careful planning is that we are away from our families for the entire weekend and they are on their own for the duration. The widowed husbands are left to figure out dinners and lunches and breakfasts, naps and diapers and sibling fights. I consider it good parent training because the husbands can become too dependent sometimes.

Thankfully, we had a day to recover before having to jump back into the school schedule today. This morning I am waking up to a sick child (the dramatic, throw-up sick), and a screaming baby whose ear tube surgery can't get here quickly enough! There is no food in the house (see above paragraph for the explanation why), and a husband who is going out of town. In addition to this, I have a deadline looming for a client's drapes and my machine is in the shop hopefully to be "sprung" today. Mt. Tide is growing exponentially because the washing machine is leaking water and the repairman isn't scheduled until tomorrow. Do I sound like I'm complaining? I apologize.

Times like this demand that I rise to the occasion. I hate rising to the occasion; but I must. I will hunker down and prioritize. What is most important? I can do this and get through it. After all, it isn't like my house is torn apart by an earthquake. - K

Freebies

We have a snow day! As if I were the twelve year old facing the prospect of having to go to school the next day, I stayed up ridiculously late last night anxiously watching for our school system to appear at the bottom of the news screen. When it finally did, this crazy glee settled over me because we'd been give a FREEBIE! The release of one's regular responsibilities for one day can infuse a happiness that is palpable throughout the whole household. It doesn't really matter that there is not even enough snow to prevent the grass blades from poking through, or that the temperature is frigidly (and I mean really frigid - high in the 20s) cold with a wind chill to boot. The excitement on the kids' faces will be worth any amount of wet, dirty clothes and drippy footprints everywhere. My job now will be to provide copious amounts of hot chocolate and fireplaces to warm their frozen fingers.

However, one can't escape the constant question of the day: what do we have for dinner? The corny, homespun, memory-maker in me wants to make a meal like chili or stew or something equally comforting and enveloping. But the mother in me knows that, for whatever reason, the kids will not be overly excited about that "meal in a bowl" concept. The "meat and three" formula is more up their alley. Have I failed as a mother? Obviously I have. Why won't they embrace the warm, meat and vegetable melange of a thick beef stew with carrots and potatoes? Add a side of crispy-on-the-outside french bread and a fresh, cold salad and life is complete. Warms your body and your mind! There are visions of cabins, lightly falling snow, flickering fires, fingerless mittens, smiling children who get along with one another...ahh, I can see it now.

Ugh. Back to reality. A reality which includes inane arguments, whiny children (because it's cold and they are exhausted), and a general dissension amongst the troops when dinner is presented. Do I sound cynical? Hopefully I am overstating this a little and the atmosphere today will remain happy and carefree. I will do my best to ensure that it does because ultimately, the kids turn to me to maintain the right attitude. I promise not to freak out when they leave all the bits of their drippy winter attire all over the floor, or when the muddy footprints dot the carpet. I promise to keep my eye on the ball and remember that today is a freebie with my kids, even if they do complain about the food. After all, that's nothing new. - K

Traditions

We all have them. Traditions ranging from chili on Halloween, to particularly lethal jokes on April Fool's Day. My cousin used to tape the sprayer handle on the kitchen sink so that his wife would get sprayed first thing in the morning. This happened every year, and still she would get soaked. Our traditions are not unusual, but I have discovered they have become quite important to the kids. Just when you think they aren't paying attention, you try NOT to do something during the season and you have mass mutiny on your hands!

Our traditions are probably much like anyone else's: Elf on the Shelf, Advent calendars, baking cookies and handing out treats to our neighbors (although we haven't yet done this - loser me). On Christmas eve we go to the family vigil mass and then have our "dress up" dinner right after wards at my parents' house, complete with china and crystal and a particularly nice cut of beef. When we get home (after driving through all the neighborhoods to look at the lights), the kids put out their stockings - not til Christmas eve! - do the cookie thing for Santa and go to bed. Christmas day is done in phases, we have our morning with cinnamon monkey bread, then my parents and brother + family come over where we do the "football game" and lunch.

Opening presents has always been done like a football game for us, complete with halftime (bathroom break), time outs (coffee refills), special teams (when the little kids need help opening), penalties (when the order gets messed up), the references go on and on and they afford us never ending laughs. Christmas day, with all the kids, is absolutely crazy. The cats LOVE all the wrapping and the energy in the house is borderline exhausting. Why in the world would I cook?

A tradition that we started a few years ago was in direct correlation to baby number five. Lizzie had just been born 5 weeks before Christmas and I did not want a big meal production to clean up in addition to all the present clean up. I decided then that we would order sandwiches from our favorite grocery store, pick them up on the 24th and then everything would be in the fridge when we were hungry. This proved to be such a hit and so easy that it has become our tradition. Everyone brings drinks, chips and stuff and we have a cold, un-cooked meal on throwaway plates. I spoke about changing this for this year and was met with cries of "but why?", "it's our tradition!", "mom!?". I quickly retreated and re-established the original plan.

Christmas night has always been the hardest part however. Last year we tried to go to a restaurant (in an effort to have a good meal that we didn't have to cook or clean up) and it was a complete disaster. 2 hour wait, lost orders, screaming children, imagine the scene... This year I wanted to avoid the post-Christmas inertia and let down by having a ready-to-eat dinner prepared. I am spending today making lasagna and putting in the fridge for an instant homemade dinner. I am even making it in a throw-away pan and we are eating on paper plates so that all I need is a trash bag. Not very green, I understand, but I spend lots of time being green the rest of the year. (We have even used up, yes, used up, our supply of grocery bags!)

All of this planning and thought is for one goal: an easy and happy Christmas. I don't always achieve it, but at least I've tried and amazingly, formed traditions for the kids at the same time! - K


This must be done the day before:
Cinnamon Monkey Bread
1 package of frozen dough for Parker House rolls (I like that brand Bridgford - sp?)
1 stick of butter, melted
1/2 cup of packed brown sugar
cinnamon (as much as you like)
pinch of salt (balances the flavor)

Mix the butter, brown sugar, cinnamon and salt together in a bowl. Toss the frozen pieces of dough in the mixture and stack them in a greased tube pan. Cover the pan with plastic wrap and let rise in the refrigerator AT LEAST OVERNIGHT.

The next morning (Christmas morning) preheat the oven to 375 and bake the monkey bread for approximately 20-25 minutes or until baked through. Turn out on a plate with a "lip" (to catch all the gooey sauce - which is VERY HOT) and go to it!

Beef Tenderloin
(this is my Aunt Christa's recipe)

7-9 lb. beef tenderloin, trimmed
honey
1/4- 1/3 cup good olive oil
mustard
minced fresh garlic
crushed dried herbs (parsley, marjoram, thyme)
salt and pepper

Salt and pepper the meat. Coat the meat with honey. Mix the rest of the ingredients together and spread on the meat. Preheat your oven to 500 and roast the tenderloin until the internal temperature is at least 120 (this is for rare). Before carving, let the meat rest for 10 minutes covered (the temperature will rise a little more) to re-distribute the juices.

Christmas is Coming!

Only 4 days. It is the last Sunday of Advent. Now that all (most) of the presents have been bought, I am reflecting on how to best approach our 2 weeks off from school. We have a trip to Winston Salem to look forward to; we will be spending time with Candice, Tommy and the kids. Before that though, we have our traditional Christmas Eve dinner with family. This year, we are going traditional with beef tenderloin, baked potatoes and roasted green beans. How lucky are we that we have such bounty? My brother always says we eat like KINGS! He's right, how blessed we are. I am reading a book (finally!) that Candice gave me over a year ago - The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society. This novel tells the story of the time just after World War II in London through a procession of letters back and forth between the main character, a writer, and those she has befriended while researching her new novel. What has struck me in between the clever commentary and witty responses is how much these people actually suffered.

Slow to the Bandwagon

So I was driving my daughter to the pulmonologist check up the other day and she was watching Akeelah and the Bee, a movie that came out in 2006. I was just listening to it as I was driving, but I heard the Lawrence Fishburne character recite a quote that really struck me as amazing and liberating and profound. After doing a little research as to who said it and what the entire quote is, I found it on IMDB.com and then again on Wikipedia.com. This quote is from a woman named Marianne Williamson, a minister, author and lecturer from California.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

This quote is simply amazing and says it all to me. I am just now jumping on this bandwagon because, after reading everything about this woman on Wikipedia and the various websites, apparently she has been around a while and I am not the first person to be struck by this quote.
As I read her profound words, I identify with the idea of being afraid of the person God created me to be. Expectations are so high when one fulfills one's destiny. What if I fail? What if I screw up my life, my children's lives, my family? I think the real question however is, how will I ever know if I don't try?

To be the person God created me to be, I must embrace all that He has provided. The good and the bad; the dark and the light. The choices that I make in this life show the kind of person I am. I was watching a newer BBC production of one of my favorite books, Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen. Marianne, the younger sister, after a period of high drama in her life (as expected from a tumultuous teenager) has an epiphany. I am paraphrasing, so forgive me if I don't get it exactly right. "It is not what we say or feel that makes us who we are. It is what we do; or fail to do." Now why can't I think of things like this? Honestly though, I feel like I am constantly being prodded into accepting my role in this world; however much I choose to pretend I'm not good enough or I don't have the right skills, I am a wife, a mother, a friend and I must choose to DO what is right. Not just talk about it.

I Must Be Old

Does time really go faster? When I was young, this always seemed like what grown-ups would say; after all, didn't Christmas take for-EVER, and Halloween take for-EVER to get here?? I used to overhear my mom and dad talk about how fast we kids were growing up, how the time was just flying by, how there was never any time to get stuff done. I always thought this was ridiculous. Now that I am a mom, I really think time IS going faster.

I mentioned in my last post (yes, I know it was weeks ago) how the retail sector pushes us forward against our will. I think there is a secret society made up of retail executives who all get together and plan to start the "season" one day earlier every year. As a result, we start thinking about Halloween in August, Thanksgiving in September, and Christmas starts the second the clock strikes twelve on Halloween night, sort of like a Cinderella-in-waiting. Because of this, I constantly feel behind; I am not yet finished with my normal day to day stuff before the other stuff intrudes: how big of a Turkey to buy, how many twinkle lights to put out this year, or what do the kids want in their stockings (do I even know where the stockings are)? Pushing against this force of nature that constantly pushes us forward is hard to do. I want to stand still sometimes; to get off the train and walk around a little bit before the train takes off to the next station. Or walk beside the cart for a while instead of constantly running behind it keeping the apples that fall off from hitting the ground. Candice and I laugh about how our lives are like a huge house of cards, delicately balanced, one card on top of the next. Remove a card from the bottom and a whole section falls down. There is constantly something going on; the lunches at the preschool, the birthdays at the elementary school, the opening of "the movie" (New Moon - YAY!), the early drives to school for tutoring sessions, swim practice and coaching. I find myself yearning for the holiday to actually come and go so that I don't have to worry about it anymore. And then of course, the guilt sets in as I realize that I am wishing away my life.

Next week, we have time off. The swim schedule changes so that we are done by noon. Thanksgiving will be here and we will sit down and count our blessings as birds in the hand. "The movie" will have been released and I can go see it during the day without any screaming 12 year-olds sitting next to me yelling every time Edward or Jacob comes on the screen (double yay!). We will begin the decorating for Christmas and thinking about presents. I can watch as the kids look at all the ornaments and laugh and remember. The point is, I have much to look forward to. The real point is, I don't want to be too caught up in the future to miss the present. -K